A Liar & a fool

You’ll know truth by how much it hurts. I could have told you that.

I’m not an idiot.

Life is one long redemption arc

You get a chance to try to make it

Across unavigable seas of sand

Washed across a barren wasteland

There’s someone over there–

She’s ringing my bell, calling me

“Come across,” and I try,

But there’s never enough time

There’s never enough water

There’s never enough me

There’s never enough– can’t make my

Cross, especially when the storms come in

To blow me of course, that toxic force

Wounds wound to implosions

Deep, deep inside my shell

Where she’s ringing the bell

To remind me of the truth–

Truth can never be had

For women who never existed

Long enough to speak the truth lost

In patronized lies, taught at the Fall,

Permeator of our existence..

I know I’ll never make it there,

I wonder if I’ll even have resisted

This is just where I am right now

In the middle of having existed..

I’m sorry for the 3 stamps,

I’m sorry for the tree branch,

And sorry for the person I’m not

But I’m not an idiot, just.. sometimes,

I get caught, in toxic, toxic flaws..

While I was trying to cross

I met a liar and I met a fool

The liar said, “I love you”

The fool said, “Oh, me too.”

They rang their bells together

‘Til the liar ran her through

And the fool said, “Oh, me too.”

We’re all lost like that, liars lying with fools

Which do you want to be?

Well that’s entirely up to you,

I’d rather be no one, I’d rather not fall

I’d rather push on, through this desert

I cross, but 400 days and 400 nights

Was never enough to make it there

So when that snake approaches

And offers venomous ways out

I’ll always take it, I’ll become his doubt

I’ll eat the apple, I’ll drink the spit

I’ll take it in me, I’ll vomit in the pit

Where we’ll ring bells together,

Lost in doubts dipped in toxic whims

..But that’s the person I’m not

I’ve sorted it out, I’ve cut off the venom

I’ve killed the snake pouring it out..

So let me ring my bell,

Let me have this one please

I’m still trying, even when I’m not me

It’s hard when I’m tired, it’s hard when I’m lost

It was never gonna be easy

To make it across..

Flaws

On broken mirrors to reflect on.

They’ll break you down

And make you nothing

A perfect void unfilled

Needing to be exploited

A perfect void to fill–

He’s ringing the bell

So come on down,

And down and down and down,

Take one of these, and one of those

To fill and fill and fill, as down and down

And down we go, to get what we need

Below– where the bell ringer waits

To take and take and take and take

Taking payment to make us fake, fake, fake

Surrounded by stuff and wearing masks

Hidden, broken down and hollow pits

Empty still and lying to ourselves

Never willing to admit we’re no one

Because we’re not okay with it

So we ring our bells and follow them

Down to our own hell, to consume

It all and sustain the unsustainable

Insatiable appetites for bells, that ring

And ring, and ring and ring, for more

And more meaningless definitions like:

Shackles to language, and missing rhymes

Lost on filling empty lives with empty lies

Crammed, into dusty cabinets, shaken off

Only when somebody else needs them

So they might not believe what you know is true

Every time you look in the mirror

The Squid

I assure you, this person is poison.

You should listen to the Squid

And run on wild with it

Even though you don’t know what it is

You don’t need to; you’ve got the id–

Entity of the righteous, hear my plea

Make this bargain with The Devil

To set me free, loose upon the world

In devlish form, to bring hell altered

In squidlike form, lacking perspective

Drowned in the ink of oblivion

Transitioned beyond his peak

Whipped by the burdens of misogyny past

When he licked gullible virgins

Who fell for his tact, blinded in dye

That wool he pulled over their eyes–

He studied them up, exploited their flaws

And now he feels guilty and reaches too far

He perpetuates paranoia, and lies to the world

All so he can forget what he did to those girls

Inside

A poem written before same-sex marriage was federally legalized in the United States by Obergefell v. Hodges on June 26, 2015.

Happy Pride Month!

“How queer that we’re apart now,

at this final place

of white walls and deal desks

behind which you sit

and say to me, ‘You can’t see her, you’re not family,’

family?   I will show you family

I will show you two in love

In ways which you can never understand

In your petty leather chair

I will show you us.

In an embrace on a sofa

In the final moments of a movie

I will show you happy sighs

I will show you lullabies

What will you show me?

You will show me paperwork

You will show me laws

You will show me meaningless things

You won’t show me love

I will show you knitted scarves

In secretly wrapped boxes

I will show you bedtime books read aloud

In our sweet voices.

I will show you happiness

In sharing a springtime sky

I will show you flowers on countertops

In glass vases and well-loved pots

I would show you all these things

To be

Inside.

What will you show me? It seems clear..

You will show me the door.

But which door will it be?”

Naught Knowing

Well, what do you know?

Growing up is learning to know

How to know how to know

The ineffable as the inevitable

True face of God– unconditional

Non-dependent, the free radical

Fractal that implodes on itself

In self-destructive acts of creation

A universe sliding from its side–

A gift for already dying children

Fearing the inevitable ineffable bang

That whimper they’ve always wanted;

Time is the flame, the world is the wick

And it is on fire, burning melting wax

That is you, eternally imploding

Self-destructive fuel for the flame

You always want but can never have

His Procession

“And ye shall overthrow their altars, and break their pillars, and burn their groves with fire.” Deuteronomy 12:3

On this precipice, the eight stairs stare

Up.. Each.. Step.. the procession goes..

Haunted, though this house may be

By lost brothers, sisters, and deities,

Children like us were driven forward

Prodded, our parents and guardians

Drove us upward, by sins never atoned

Knowing that which cannot be known

With fear at our backs, whipping along..

Shaking my hand, a man leads us inside

Through the cellar door we thought

Went.. up.. but took us to the depths

Where we met the Unknown, He

Spoke to us through knowing men

Who showed us the pathway through

Brambles like hell for lying with them

Where those led astray would be trapped

Therein, entwined souls with earthly whims..

Women had done this, they were to blame

Processions of men would put out the flames

Just one way to save them, to put out the sin:

Sacrifice thyself on the Altar of Men.

Thou shalt have no other God before Him

Or so they say, “Him, Our One Truth”

O, Great pronouncer of pronouns,

Savior from our fears, give us your truth

Leaven us so that we leave this cellar fermented

Ready to spread your toxic seed

And in procession, bring you harvest..

Fear of the Unknown’s a rational one,

None such as when fermented by Truth

Like fire and toxin, doubt and pain,

Replace it with Truth, it all goes away

Back behind us, where He always goes

Driving on the procession..

Dark Matter

Misery is an introvert who loves company.

Get up, it’s time to go

Don at dawn that mask you wear

Every morning; though you hate it

Carry it, like the two hundred others in your purse

Worn to be everything to everyone

Shattered selves, though they left you

Broken two hundred times passed

One for the Father, One for the Son,

One for the Mother, though she asked for none

One for the Daughter, who never was

Made to be Woman before she was young

One to the One you never wanted to be

And one-hundred ninety-four you’d rather not see

No one knows what it’s like

Living with all those fractures,

Those frustrating divides,

They just can’t see the weight of it all

Though they get caught up in its gravity

Never knowing the weight of what you wore

Or how it kept them from drifting out into orbit–

Lost, in dark matters, like time, and space,

Where they would see the same voids you found

On the dark side of them all, where you always hide yourself

Hoping they’ll never see what what you’ve seen

Lying, beneath every one.