Roots: Grotesques

Something’s off.

Did anyone else feel those attacks Bloomberg was throwing at Sanders about his supporters being mean online last night resonate with them?

Because that’s how trans people are treated all the time. We are treated as this monolithic entity constructed out of online experiences.

And so is Bernie. Like trans people, he’s being treated as this monolithic entity and vilified as this largely nameless/faceless mass of supporters who supposedly represent him.

How many could they name, I wonder? How many trans villains can they actually name..?

To me, it feels like almost every time I’m talking to someone online that they come at me with all of this emotion wound up in interactions with nameless / faceless masses on social media mingled with how they feel about those few villains they might name.

But that’s not me.

One of my favorite authors, Sherwood Anderson would call these “grotesques,” which, as you might imagine, are these grotesque mental representations of truths we become convinced of; when applied to people, these can manifest in especially nasty ways.

Think about it for a sec..

Are there any grotesques floating around in your head now? What’s the one of me look like? How about your loved ones? Your pets?

I’m sure you can conjure many. But here’s an important thing to remember; since we are imperfect, so are those representations.

They are not reality.

Whatever your grotesque of me might look like, that’s not me. And this is true of even my own loved ones. Their representations of me aren’t “me” either.

So, I find it important to be critical of these flawed parts of ourselves. I’m not saying doubt everything you know..

I’m just saying doubt constructively, stay curious, and avoid carving your grotesques out of amalgamated cement.

Let them be flawed as you are flawed, let them change as you change, and do the same for the actual people they represent.

I understand how this might cross boundaries for some people, as we all endure our traumas and burdens in life.

Sometimes we develop wounds so deep we have to inflict that pain on others, or protect ourselves. Our truths can become weapons and armor for us in these moments.

All over social media, I see people picking them up and using them. We’re almost always wrong to do so in any instance of our lives, but we keep on.

We who’ve been hurt in some way are especially prone to do so, I find myself doing it too often. I’m never right.

Fact of the matter is that our windows into each other’s lives are as limited as, well, actual windows; be they on a house or computer screen.

You might have a lot of ideas about me, but you don’t know me. Bernie’s detractors don’t know him. Yours don’t know you, and so on.

One thing I can say is worth doubting though is any baggage that comes with your grotesques from those who are adjacent to, or like them in your mind.

Think for instance of Jessica Yaniv’s non-existent relationship to me. If you judge me based on her, something’s off.

If you judge me based on any of the other scary trans people you might conjure, something’s off. If you judge me based on some largely nameless / faceless social media mass, something’s off.

How would you feel if someone judged you on a basis like that? Something’s off.

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